Out-of-Body Experience
Last year, I discovered that China was a very secular society … the only churches were in big cities (there were none in Loudi), and those that could be found were government-sponsored and tightly-controlled. As a result, I spent an entire year without the fellowship, corporate worship, and public teaching that comes from being a part of a healthy church body.
At first glance, this would seem to most Christians like a terrible thing for my spiritual growth and well-being. I found, however, that it actually allowed me to clear away the “drivel” that is associated with the Church and instead focus on the deeper elements of my faith. I wrestled with real life more, confronted the juxtaposition of mortality and the Eternal, tested my convictions, spent much more time communing with my Father, and generally felt like I finally had a chance to grow down.
Since returning to America, however, I’ve found that my faith has been tested in a very different way … through my re-immersion in the Church!
To be honest, it’s been quite a lackluster and frustrating experience for me. I don’t really feel like I understand what’s going on there and why it’s happening … and after four or five weeks, I’m having trouble figuring out both what I think about it and what I should do with it.
After a lot of thought and prayer, however, I think I’ve identified a few reasons why things might feel like this.
- Now I’m an outsider. I’ve spent my whole life going to church and being deeply involved in Christian “stuff”. It’s always been a really comfortable place for me where I could relate to the people, understand the backstory and rationale for the things that happen, and generally feel like I “belong”. But after a year of absence, I definitely don’t feel at home … I’m a visitor, someone who’s walked in from the street and isn’t really certain about how I fit in to the Christian bubble. I suspect that it’ll eventually be really good to remember this feeling, but for now it kinda sucks.
- It tastes like applesauce. I feel like almost everything that’s been presented in church has been prepared for babies … it’s bland, watered-down, and spoon-fed to the congregation. I’m not really a toddler anymore … and it really doesn’t help me to sit there stagnantly while blatantly obvious spiritual truths are spelled out in detail. I need meat.
- I’m not a good consumer. As an outsider, I feel like I’m almost always the “direct object” of the things that happen at church … I’m listening, receiving, absorbing, and retaining. But this passive and sedentary role really doesn’t suit me … I’m a creative person who learns and grows through experiences, relationships, and the creative process itself. So if I don’t take the step of getting involved in some sort of leadership or service role (like I can freely do at school), I’m stuck simply consuming things, one after another. And that’s not a good place for me to be.
- I just want to worship. This one’s really simple … my heart and soul just want to cry out with others, to celebrate and surrender and lift up the God of the Universe. I want to sing at the top of my lungs and dance for joy … but the opportunity to do this freely (for more than a couple of songs, at least) still hasn’t presented itself at church, school, or with other believers. And I’m beginning to understand, more and more, how immensely big of a problem that is.
I could probably talk (or type) forever about it … but in the end, you’d find that I really don’t have it figured out. And I want to be clear … this is not really a critique of my church, but an analysis of my current relationship with the Church. I notice the same dynamics throughout my experience at the Christian school where I teach and even in the circle of friends that I have. And I know that for now, I must simply be patient.
Hmm.
September 9th, 2007 at 11:54 pm EST
1. Outsider: Maybe God wants you to feel uncomfortable. The reason I am saying this is because He may have thought you were too “comfortable” before China. You said it yourself when you said that you want to see where you belong in the “Christian bubble” again. I encourage you to not seek that “Christian bubble”, stay away from it because you can’t grow in it, if you let it consume you. My experience here at KCU is wrapped in this stupid “bubble” and honestly it has made me into a weaker Christian because I am not challenged. I have become comfortable at times myself, I hate it!
2. Applesauce: Hebrews 5:11-6:1 basically talks about being fed solid food and not milk. I would read it. All I can say is seek out that meat you need for yourself. New church?
3. You non-consumer you: start your own church!
You obviously have many talents….use them. The only thing stopping you from being the “direct-object” is you. All churches need help and would love to find many ways to have someone serve the Lord and the church. So stop typing about it and “just do it” - Nike 
4. Oh that worship thing: The thought of worship in most Christian minds is very plain and boring and not really what worship is about. What most do not realize is that worshipping God is a 24/7 thing. Worship is not just singing, as you know, it’s doing, it’s everything! If there was anything I could do with an instrument I would want to bang on some drums for the Lord! Gosh I would love that. That would be my favorite activity if I knew how to play them for Him. Find your favorite.
love you bro
September 10th, 2007 at 8:26 am EST
Talk with me any time Lance, I can use creative help and input (well, Ryan can too); scheduling a photoshoot this week (if Greg gets on his game), love for you to come, partake, get a feel for it — if its dull, not interesting; well, we’ll find something.
I used to only want meat from my church — I grew up Presbyterian (PCA, not PCUSA), and whenever I went to the kind of church we’re at now, I thought that it was lackluster, for babies and wasn’t applicable to me. I started seeing that church wasn’t about me getting “smart”, but about fellowship, community and people — the “smart” is my job, my responsibility, passing the buck and making the church (any church, all church) do what I wanted was unrealistic, and ultimately always left me disappointed.
let me know if you want to talk, chat about things; i’m sure the adjustment is tough.
September 10th, 2007 at 10:54 am EST
Thanks, fellas … you guys are both awesome.
Yeah, to be clear … I’m not even considering something “drastic” right now, I was just describing some of my feelings and the possible causes. And I was a bit surprised to find myself with so many questions about the Church.
I’ve decided to “re-enter this world” as carefully as possible, evaluating the “why” and “how” of what I do a lot more. I know that many of these feelings are temporary, but they give me the distinct privilege of seeing my life from the outside and making appropriate changes!
September 10th, 2007 at 1:02 pm EST
good post. frustrating as it is, i think this is often a good place to be [like you, a reflection not of my church but the Church]. a reminder that hungry is better than complacent.
September 10th, 2007 at 1:07 pm EST
i’m not so sure that this is directly related to you being “out of the church”. maybe it is for you…but i would say that this has really grown on me in the past 4 months as well…and i’ve been “in the church”. i completely understand how it isn’t a reflection of your church, or even your friends or family, but more of a stirring and self assessment. i don’t have it figured out yet, but i do know that it is god calling me to more. to worship him with who i am, not just what i do…and to stir others to a deeper walk.
you know i’m around…
September 10th, 2007 at 2:03 pm EST
As everyone has stated if you want to chat I am sure that there are many people including myself that would talk about your feelings.
I don’t think that you are alone in feeling that the messages can be “watered down” at times but that is what Christianity has become over the time. We are afraid of offending people or as you stated one time, “Why apologize for something that you believe in”.
Your faith and your need for “meat” is a natural progression with someone that has had the opportunity to go “deep” in your journey alone without the aid of the church. This is only a thought, but it seems as though your gift of being able to teach is a way that God is working through you to communicate your knowledge and passion for Christ.
MDog hit it on the head, the fact that you are questioning everything is a good thing.
Awesome post.
September 10th, 2007 at 2:04 pm EST
We got some serious meat yesterday and do on a fairly regular basis, so it is possible to find (though rare). Was actually very sad (the amt of milk and cookies out there) when we were looking after our move, especially here in the (supposed) Bible Belt. Can’t imagine it in other parts of the country like the east and west coasts. I agree with you the trend is worrisome. There seems to be this move toward “entertaining” in an apparent attempt to compete with everybody’s busy lifestyles.
September 11th, 2007 at 9:15 pm EST
Ha! You have Americanitis, Lance. Remember that the purpose for going to church is not to get something out of it, but to contribute. Rob has a good suggestion. Take your clown outfit to a childrens’ hospital and tell the little ones about Jesus (you think maybe they wouldn’t like a Sunday School class?) Worship is not shenanigans in a church building. It is living by giving your life for others the way Jesus did.
[Exit singing “He left the splendor of Heaven…”]
September 12th, 2007 at 8:13 pm EST
“Worship is not shenanigans in a church building. It is living by giving your life for others the way Jesus did.”
What an excellent way of putting it.
Great post, Lance, it really makes one think.
September 14th, 2007 at 1:33 pm EST
“I must simply be patient.”
Amen, brother. If anything I’ve learned in this fast-paced world. The deep intimacy your (and my) heart craves isn’t overnight or quick…it’s a marathon. Thanks for being so vunerable and open.
September 15th, 2007 at 11:47 am EST
Hmm, this is a very interesting post since I am someone who has just left America five weeks ago to be in a very large closed to Christians trying to share what they believe with other people country. Kudos to those going and sending to nations where Christ’s name is not known!
I am a young person who has just graduated college and who comes from a family who supports him in his decision and who has a support group helping to financially support me. While God is capable of doing all things and sending anyone at any time of life, I realize the special time of life I am in and special circumstances to be able to do something like this. In other words, I believe it is a gift from God to do this! I’m really just a normal dude desiring more intimacy with my Creator.
I’ve heard from many sources that re-entry is a difficult thing. I would be silly to believe that I wouldn’t have different ideas about what the American church should be like. But that’s just it. In business school they tell you that in your first 6 months of a new job is the most critical time, not for the employee, but for the BUSINESS. Typically the employee is coming from a completely different world, be it business school or another job.
I think that for those coming back from other places, we need to have grace and understanding, and love for our American brothers. We need to speak up, and speak the truth in love, and in boldness and humility offer to help make changes. But also to be willing to learn and listen ourselves, and then to take action.
For those who are sending, there needs to be an understanding for those coming back. Understand that it is difficult, and goers have had a very different church experience for some amount of time. Desire to know, desire to ask questions, knowing that answers may be difficult. Be willing to work it out. And be willing to learn and listen, and then take action.
As the unified body, we have a responsibility to each other, whether you are a sender or a goer.
(By the way, if you’re not doing either, get on board! You don’t want to miss out on the good stuff God wants to give us!)
Sincerely,
one going outside
September 17th, 2007 at 4:11 pm EST
To Lance and “one going outside”: Thanks for being bold for Christ, for moving when your heart hears your Shepherd. I for one have been truly blessed by those who are “going out” while I am doing the “sending.” Recently, I have had the opportunity to tear my heart open and ask, “How can I be so bold here in Ohio?” I had to ask this question with renewed vigor as my youngest brother is in China not friendly to Christ-followers or Good-News Senders. He could lose his life for what he’s doing and I’m here… so, I don’t have the same questions that you have Lance or wonder about the difference of following Christ in China versus Midwest. I do know that the only means for me to truly love my neighbor is to share Christ with him… to say,
“Can I share with you the hope that I have in Jesus Christ?” and trying to do that more.