Avoiding Intimacy
Three minutes ago, as I was on my way to bed, I suddenly realized that it’s been a long time since I’ve actually reached deep inside and poured out something significant here. So here goes … no setup or formulation, just a stream of unconsciousness.
—
My whole life, it seems, has been a long trail void of intimacy.
I grew up in a family of six … but because I was much younger than my siblings, I spent my time alone. I was never really able to say that I had a childhood “best friend” … those who came close either moved away or moved “up”. Then came high school … where the first glimpses of “leadership” started to knead me, causing that all-too-familiar separation from the commoners that poisons so many people. College came and the story continued … I was surrounded by a thousand acquaintances (literally) but few who knew my insides. And though I was able to live in community with the closest friends of my life, I found myself terribly unable to connect with girls, immobilized by inexperience and misconceptions. At camp I learned to serve, to pour my heart out in ministry, not allowing myself to be loved. And finally, God stepped in and dropped me in Cincinnati, where I’ve since been as isolated as gasoline in a puddle.
Ok, hold up. Let me try that again.
—
My whole life, it seems, has been a long trail of avoiding intimacy.
Yeah, I’ve been alone a lot … but one of the key reasons is because of the lies that I believed. Fierce independence, relational and sexual purity, martyrdom, style over substance, social adequacy … I unwittingly let these things drive my thoughts, behaviors, and choices. I avoided connecting with people … with men of integrity, wise adults, beautiful women, sad and broken souls, and even my own family. I thought I was making good choices, becoming a “man of character”, preparing a place for my future soulmate, doing the right thing. All along, however, I was just alienating myself … and even when I recognized it, it was easy to justify (in my narrow understanding) as Pauline.
So now, here I am … a twenty eight year old man living in a bubble. I can see the ways that I’ve become ingrown and marginal, clinging to a remote world with a twisted set of rules. My closest friends have drifted away on their own trails, pursuing life and love while I’ve held steadfastly to the “faithfulness” that I felt I was called to. I’ve had a string of romantic failures, amazing women with whom I’ve screwed up royally. And now, some of the things that used to make me come alive, glowing and popping, are noticeably absent … in their place I sometimes see harshness and cold stuff coming out. I don’t really like it … but I don’t really know how to change it either.
So there you have it … a glance into Lance. If it sounds like I’m desperately depressed, lonely, or fishing for encouraging comments … well, then you just don’t know me. But, as I’ve already established, that’s not your fault.
I guess I’ve been avoiding you too. 
October 11th, 2007 at 6:28 am EST
I just wanted to say that I’m listening. And I love your simile about gasoline.
October 11th, 2007 at 9:12 am EST
ahhh. always dangerous, and freeing, to put yourself out there. isn’t it?
no words of wisdom here. it’s a lot harder to put yourself out there… out there. here’s to all of us learning to do that better each day.
October 11th, 2007 at 10:50 am EST
Not sure where the “lies” that you believed are in that list, but be very careful about compromising on “sexual purity” - the actual lie is that purity does not matter… The world ridicules people of faith for holding sexual purity up as a value, but to be blunt - those who say it does not matter are flat out wrong.
October 11th, 2007 at 3:40 pm EST
Lance. I love it. I love the honesty and the insight and seeing this stuff in your own words. It sounds a lot more like consciousness than unconsciousness. When are you coming to Columbus!?!
October 11th, 2007 at 7:53 pm EST
Lance - on a not so serious note - I think it’s hugely ironic to blog about intimacy. To drop pieces of your soul on the http:// sidewalk for all to trample on. I’ve always admired your style!
On a more serious note - “A plan in the heart of a man is like deep water, But a man of understanding draws it out.” - Proverbs 20:5
John Eldredge spends some time on this verse in “Wild at Heart” which interestingly enough always made me think of you. You mention not spending time with “men of integrity” and “wise adults”, but somehow despite your self-proclaimed lack of exposure, you’ve become both. You’ve always been the guy I’ve seen dream big dreams and chase them down and tickle them into submission. So, the question on everyone’s mind is - when it comes to women and intimacy - what are those big dreams
What is it your heart desires 
And, is it something you’re ready to pursue 
Of course, these questions are purely rhetorical and do not necessitate worldwide proclamation
That is, of course, unless you wanna 
Miss ya bro. Truly.
October 12th, 2007 at 12:00 am EST
Lance, my friend, there is only one girl you have to “connect” with. And 28 is not so bad; you aren’t facing a ticking biological clock in the same sense a girl would be. So — relax. Have a nice cold beer with a sizzling grilled steak. Make plans to visit all the AC church camps next summer, and in the mean time, visit a different church every weekend. AND — see if Yo’ Momma has any suggestions ( you don’t have to take them, but it will stir up some excitement…). Think about how it was done in the Old Country, and maybe you will perk up. Heh, just for kicks, next time you are in church, tell the congregation that you want them to pray that God will provide you with a wife (that is the essence of yoiur complaint, isn’t it) and then sit back and enjoy what happens. I guarantee you wil get some laughs out of it.
Should we put that on a prayer list? Your wish is my command
October 12th, 2007 at 7:25 am EST
And 28 is not so bad; you aren’t facing a ticking biological clock in the same sense a girl would be.
October 12th, 2007 at 9:53 am EST
Lance we need to talk. It’s only by God’s grace that I’m not in exactly the same place that you are. But in some ways I am!!!
SERIOUSLY!!!!!!!!!!! We need to talk,
Your big sis,
Mona
October 12th, 2007 at 3:05 pm EST
I’ve been avoiding commenting on this one. Does that mean that I too am “avoiding intimacy”?
October 12th, 2007 at 10:53 pm EST
Hey guys … thanks for the comments, emails, and phone calls. I’m not sure how (or, more importantly, when) to respond to all of them, but it’s clear that you guys are pretty sweet.
Honestly, I’m ok. This wasn’t a cry for help or an advertisement for a wife (give me a break!). Just take it as an overly-honest “state of the union” of me. All of us have difficult things in our lives, patterns that we get stuck in and monsters we must face. One of mine, I think, has something to do with intimacy.
Beer and steak? No thanks … I’ll take some some Chipotle and Sunkist. Then I’ll get back out there to chase this thing down and tickle it into submission.
October 13th, 2007 at 1:15 am EST
Take care,my friend. This is all I wanna say.
October 21st, 2007 at 10:36 am EST
don’t be afraid to love. it’s amazing.
October 21st, 2007 at 12:36 pm EST
Rachel, I’m so happy for you!