Recent posts at several blogs (Girltalk, A Puritan’s Hope, Al Mohler & Josh Harris) have been talking about modesty at weddings … specifically with bridal gowns. I’m not too interested in that topic, but it has also started to spawn a conversation about modesty in general with teen girls. At Trying to be Mary, cwu talks candidly about her experiences as one of the only modestly dressed girls at her prom. Avoiding Evil has some great thoughts and ideas about the difficulty of directing young girls in a youth group setting, and Girltalk even has an entire category of posts about modesty. Yep … it’s that time of year when the temperature rises and the amount of visible skin follows suit!

[Modest is Hottest, by webel]

As a middle school teacher and summer camp guy, I deal with this situation all the time. From what I’ve heard, it can be very difficult for young ladies (especially at growing ages) to find modest clothes … clothing manufacturers follow the trends pretty closely (and sadly, sex sells). Moreover, our culture is obsessed with pleasing our children and “making them happy” … so many parents choose to let their children set the standards in their homes to avoid the “failure” of displeasing their child. I used to be frustrated by these situations until I learned three practical ways to deal with them. Of course, these ideas won’t solve every situation (especially with immature and stubborn girls), but they go a long way toward reaching a solution and facilitating learning in our young ladies.

First, we need to set some boundaries in the arenas that we control. If low-cut blouses or short skirts are not acceptable, we should make an actual rule about wearing them during our functions or at our facilities. This may sound obvious, but I’ve found that many groups and organizations don’t officially state anything about modesty (or language, bullying, and a host of other social issues) … they just have an “unspoken” expectation of their kids. This is unfair, especially to those who come from households with different value systems and wardrobes. We don’t have to make a big deal about introducing the new rule … we can just simply publish it and start enforcing it lovingly (and with a touch of grace).

I, for instance, have a rule that young ladies may not wear two-piece swimsuits at my events. It’s always published in the communication about the event (well, except for once this year!), and any girl that shows up without a one-piece must simply swim with a dark tshirt over it (or decide not to swim). In track and cross country, I have a few extra shorts and tshirts for runners who either forget their clothes or bring clothes that are too skimpy … if they’re not prepared for practice with appropriate clothes, they have to wear what I provide (and yes, I’ve chosen some ugly colors, so they learn quickly to bring modest clothes).

Second, and more importantly, we are in a unique position to help these young ladies understand modesty … but it has to come from a position of love. If a girl doesn’t first understand that you truly care about her, she’s going to take your feedback as criticism and will either become hurt or angry (or both). Once you’ve established some trust, however, she’s much more likely to understand what you mean and take ownership of her decisions. I know how tough it is to establish this groundwork (especially for a single guy like me), but if you’re honest and consistent and take time to listen, it will happen. Forget blaming the parents … if the girl decides that she doesn’t want to wear revealing clothes then her parents will surely support her (and if not, then the girl can teach the parents!).

Finally, if this is a big issue in your particular group, perhaps separating the boys and girls and having heart-to-heart talks about modesty and respect would be very effective. We have a separated “girl talk” and “guy talk” at the beginning of our cross country and track seasons (both teams are co-ed), and it’s a good chance to set clear expectations and also show the young men and women why this is a big deal. It’s essential to bring humor into these conversations … and if you’re a guy, I recommend bringing in a woman of integrity to build some Proverbs 31 into the girls. Sadly, this is a conversation that most adults avoid, leaving kids stranded and vulnerable to situations where they’ll be embarassingly confronted by teachers, youth leaders, or the parents of their friends.

Posted to webeldotnet on Tuesday, May 23rd, 2006 at 8:42 am EST in Faith & Camping & Education (comment feed). If you refer to this post on your blog, please trackback. Thanks!