Lately, ...

... I shaved my head, grew a beard, lost a fingernail, learned to lash tables with twine and sticks, went swimming with a horse, hosed down some of my students, made up some new swing-dancing moves, played softball barefoot, got nailed with paintballs by eight-year-olds, ran out of gas in a bus, saw dozens of kids give their lives to Jesus, ran around camp in a Superman costume, missed a credit card payment, ran over roadkill in someone else's car, went buildering, sold a PowerMac G5, sat next to a 7-year-old angel at church, took the second-best indoor shower of my life, and slept in a huge old barn. It's been good, yo.

Home Remedies

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup
of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by
getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the toilet seat by simply peeing in the sink.

4. High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for
a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad tooth ache? Hit your thumb with a hammer, then you
will forget about the toothache.

(via matteo)